I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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