i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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