I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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