I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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