Screwed.edu
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
