It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
