when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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