my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
