Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
