What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
