This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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