When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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