have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
