make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want a musical about memes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
