So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
