It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
