so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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