My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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