Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
