put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
