So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Can Purell be used as lube?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
