i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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