OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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