i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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