He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
