so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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