He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
