I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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