I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
