Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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