Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
