Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
