haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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