My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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