i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
