I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
