Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
