I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
