I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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