Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
