dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
