I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
