I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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