Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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