I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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