If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
