My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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