my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My vagina just clenched in fear
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
