I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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