I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
