When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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