I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
