We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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