No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
